Does anyone ever feel like their life is just stagnating? It's going nowhere? That things used to be so great and now they're not? I feel like that right now.
3 years ago I seemed to be on track in life. I was married, had a decent job, a house, a family and aspirations and goals. Fast forward to today and it's like I'm back to square one. Just under 3 years ago my world came crashing down. My ex husband and I had problems that we were trying to work through. I was feeling so very isolated living where I was and just felt alone. I had no family and few friends (mainly because I'm not an overly social person). I also had problems with depression which I was trying to sort out but wasn't having much luck where I was.
I made the mistake of letting one of my best friends (who recently split with her lesbian partner) move onto the block (I lived rurally with my ex husband) into a caravan. Little did I know what was to come next. They had planned it for months. Behind my back they were conducting an emotional affair (if not physical - something I still can't prove to this day but the suspicion remains). My ex husband and I had just got back from a family holiday and less than 5 weeks later he was kicking me out. I had nowhere to go and couldn't afford to live where I was so my family flew me home. I couldn't even take our daughter with me (he put injunctions in place and threatened to charge me with domestic violence after pulling strings with his cop buddies).
It turns out my ex friend and my ex husband were trying to get rid of me. I found out a lot about their affair and the things they did over two years in and out of court for divorce, custody and property settlement matters. I won't go into the details here but suffice to say that I was put through the wringer, chewed up and spat out. I was also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder during the midst of that and have been medicated since not long after my separation.
The thing that hurts is that I used to have a full time job (never had any trouble getting one) and decent money/lifestyle but now I'm eking out a meager existence on Disability Support Pension and whatever part time/casual/contract/temp work I can find (which isn't much).
I've been living with my parents since I returned. I can't afford to rent anywhere on my own with a child (I was lucky to get custody with the help of my parents support with legal fees - I owe them so much and I consider myself very lucky because I didn't win custody, he lost it which is part of the long detailed story). I just feel like a failure. I had it all, house, husband, job and now I have a 1/4 of a house. 3 rooms to which I can semi call my own. One is my daughter's bedroom, one is mine and the other is a spare room where I have my desktop computer and do all of my photo editing.
My sister is living her dream life. She's getting married next year (for the first time - I've been through two husbands so I feel a double failure) and has her dream job and the money that goes with. I'm scrimping and saving trying to get enough together for bond and rent in the vain attempt to move out.
I'm tempted to deactivate my Facebook because it's almost as if everybody else's life is going so well. They have their houses, their jobs, their cars, their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives and I am just a single mother who can't seem to find a job. I'm not unskilled, I'm not incapable I'm just not what anybody wants. I'm improving my qualifications, I'm trying so hard but for what? I feel like I'm wasting my time.
I have a partner. He lives 5000km away. We see each other every few months for a few weeks or so. I do love him very much but I often wonder where this relationship is going to go. He's still studying and isn't in a position to relocate right now and it's a catch 22. I can't realistically get a house without him and he can't move here unless I have a house. It just isn't working. I'm really hoping I can find a job soon. It's just so frustrating and humiliating after being so self sufficient for so long to relying upon the charity of others.
Don't get me wrong, I don't live with my family for free. Instead of rent I pay for the utilities and also contribute to groceries and other bills that come in. I just feel despondent. I know I can be so much more and I want to be so much more but the universe is saying no. I just feel like it's not fair. That I don't deserve this punishment. I'm trying to make changes. I'm trying to be better. I want to be better, I want to prove to the universe that I deserve some happiness but right now it doesn't seem like it's meant to be.
I don't know what the purpose of this blog is right now but I needed to get this out. Hopefully my day will get better.
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