Ain't no Sunshine

That's how I feel right now. I've not posted anything in almost a month and I know why. My heart and mind just aren't in it. I have no motivation, no drive and no joy de vivre. I feel like my life is one big vacuum cleaner that is sucking all of the happiness out of me. I just can't get moving.

Well, that's not entirely correct, I move and do things but I don't get the same enjoyment out of it like I usually do. I think it's a combination of things. The weather has changed - lately it's been gloomy, overcast and getting cold (as winter is wont to do) and so many things have been happening to get me down.

A few weeks ago I noticed my car had a slow leak in one of the tyres. I go to get it repaired only to realise that I need two new ones (the leaky tyre was fixed and is now a spare). 

My daughter's father drops a bomb on me. He says he's seriously considering not taking her for visitation and this turns into a shitstorm. My ex and I don't get along AT ALL. He and my ex best friend are now together with their new family  (have an almost 12 month old daughter). I managed to escape the passive aggressive abuse and the sexually transmitted debt but because we have a child I'll never be completely free. This drives me to distraction.

I keep applying for jobs and keep getting rejections. Almost 300 jobs in the space of 3 months and it's still not happening. I'm getting more interviews - both face to face and phone but I feel like I'm lacking something. It's depressing and frustrating and I wish I could do more about it but it seems I'm not alone in this. Friends of mine are in a similar position and they're struggling to find work too. It's somewhat of a comfort (even though a very small one) to know that I'm not alone.

Then my desktop computer hard drive decides to spontaneously combust and take about a month and  half's worth of photos with it. The rest of the stuff on it I don't care about but oh well, such is life I guess. Still makes me angry.

And tomorrow my daughter gets on a plane to travel about 2500km interstate to see her father for the first time since Christmas for court ordered visitation that she doesn't want to go on. 

All of this is just sitting on my shoulders when the depression kicks in. Yup, I have Bipolar Disorder Type II. Every few months I go through a depressive phase and it seems like now is it. I know I have so much to look forward to.

I have a horse that I can go ride to get away from my troubles. I have friends that I can keep in touch with for support and I have my SO visiting in less than a week but I just can't shake this funk.

I have study to do that I just don't want to (I'm forcing  myself to get it done) and so many other things I could be doing to keep myself occupied but this funk is all consuming. I'm trying to get it out of my head. Trying to write things down so I can let it go but for some reason my scumbag brain won't let me. 

This afternoon I'm going to spend some time with the horse I part lease. Try and relax and let it all go. Here's hoping.