So Tired of Waking up Tired....

This song comes to mind. I remember going to a Hoodoo Gurus concert quite some time ago and hearing them perform this song live. There have been many days where I've felt that my life kinda revolves around this song. This week in particular has been somewhat difficult. I know I'm not getting enough sleep. Partially due to insomnia and also partially due to my parent's dog.

I am unfortunately or fortunately (at least I have a roof over my head), as a thirtysomething am living with family again along with my 8yo daughter. The joys of living with family (read that as parents and an autistic brother) is that you have no privacy. My father, bless his cotton socks, likes to talk. A LOT! He'll pop his head into my 1/4 of the house and babble on forever if I let him.

Anyway, I'm digressing (as it's now almost 3 am and I'm yet to get any shuteye). My father bought a new dog (to keep the other dog company and help guard the fort) back in October. A rather small bundle of Australian Cattle Dog by the name of Lucky. Alas, rather small bundles tend to grow into rather large bundles. This bundle is now bigger than the other dog, still growing like a weed and has a habit of barking at things. Mostly between the hours of 2 and 4 am. The hours when I'm trying to get some sleep.

This dog has been barking at the curlews running relay races down the street, has been barking at the flying foxes having tantrums over the nectar in the trees in bloom next door and has also undoubtedly been barking at her own shadow. I swear she does. I'm sure in her puppy brain she goes "OMG! It's a shadow! Must BARK!". I yell at her, whistle and curse under my breath but she's pretty persistent with the barking. I call this her 'Moon Moon' phase hopefully she'll grow out of it (she probably barks at the moon too). Anybody who is as much of an internet junkie as I am will know of the unfortunate meme wolf Moon Moon. (for those that don't there's a clicky link provided to explain this meme)

While Lucky is venting her spleen at bogeymen and shadows I am getting very little, or at best, interrupted sleep. Therefore I'm not rested and I get really cranky (I'm irritable at the best of times but without sleep I akin myself to that of a hibernating bear that's been rudely awakened). I also work night fill which means I don't get home until after midnight and it takes me a few hours to wind down. As soon as I drift away into the sweet embrace of slumber I start dreaming of barking only to realise I'm not dreaming anymore and have been rudely awakened.

At least I'm not working later today and I can have a bit of a kinder kip throughout the day. Hopefully without the barking.

The Dog Days of Summer

Just checked my clock. It's now officially the 2nd day of Autumn. Autumn you say? It should be getting cooler you say? Nope. Not here.

I asked my daughter today if she wanted to go for a horse ride. We haven't been riding much lately due to the rain and everything being a muddy mess where we keep our horses (we still go and feed them every day though - they're paddock monsters). She looked me in the eyes and said "No Mum, it's too hot." That's right, too hot. It seems that Summer hasn't got the memo that it's Autumn. 

Instead of going riding, I offered to take her to the local water park for a swim. I've never seen her eyes widen so quickly before. "Really?" she says "Can we?" We packed a bag with towels and sunscreen and headed out the door. On my way to the car I could hear the repetitious hum of cicadas chirping in the trees. Seems even they didn't get the memo that it's now Autumn. 

This in turn led to conversations about cicadas and their life cycle. How they start off as larva and stay in the ground for several years until they crawl out, shed out of their skin and become the noisy insects that we hear in the trees. 

As we were driving to the pool, we talked a little about the seasons and how the days get longer and shorter, how the weather changes and how sometimes, given how close we are to the equator, things don't change very much at all. 

I must admit it was nice to go for a swim. Cooling off in the water and having a bit of fun splashing each other and being silly. I guess that's the upside to the hotter days. Cooling off in a pool. Though I would be much happier if Autumn got here sooner rather than later. I miss the cool.

She Gives Me Fever

One of the many joys (/sarcasm) of being a parent is teaching kids to share. Sharing their toys, sharing their food etc but one thing I don't like them sharing are their illnesses. I've been doing pretty well on the sinus front for the last six months or so. I was probably getting a little complacent about it though. Last week my daughter starts with the sniffles. I get her OTC medicine to help treat the symptoms and think nothing much of it. I take her to the GP earlier this week as she's complaining of a sore throat still. This kid has a history of tonsillitis and came very close to getting them out a few years back. Turns out she's fine and there's next to no inflammation (always a blessing).

However, the day before I take her to the Dr, I notice the niggling feeling of a cold. Just feeling blah with a nose dripping like a leaky tap. On Tuesday night I go to the local pharmacy and ask for some Sinus tablets. I opt for the pharmacy brand because it's cheaper and generally works the same. I pop a few pills and soldier through the night shift at work. Yesterday I feel a little more lethargic, grumpy and generally unwell yet I manage to get through an extended shift without killing anybody. Always a bonus.

Today however I wake up in a pool of sweat. I down some Neurofen and go do my volunteer shift with my local thrift store. It's nice and airconditioned (unlike my home) and I seem to be fine. Then I step outside after my shift and it's like an elephant just sat on my face. You see, the last few days have been the typical monsoonal rainy deluges that we get in this lovely tropical climate. When it's raining the temperatures are actually quite tolerable but when it stops, especially in summer, it becomes so unbearably hot and humid it's like you have to force yourself to breathe.

Now, normally this wouldn't be too much of a challenge but add in the blocked sinus cavities to this hot, humid and horrible weather and it becomes significantly more difficult to breathe. One thing I'm glad about is that I don't have to work to night, or tomorrow night so I can rest up and try and and obtain more of a sense of wellness than I do right now. All I can say is that my supply of medication is doing me well (for now). My fever has somewhat abated and I'm a little more comfortable. I just wish my daughter didn't feel like sharing her bugs with me. Bleah.

Cat's Eyes

They're staring at me. A pair of cat's eyes. They belong to my Chocolate Tortoiseshell Burmese kitty. She's currently sitting in her little kitty condo on my computer desk waiting for bugs to land on my desk lamp so she can eat them. Cats are strange like that. Burmese moreso than most I think. I have three Burmese cats. Mother and two sons from different litters. Back when I used to breed and show European Burmese. The two boys (a Red and a Cream) are 4 years apart. So we have mum (Micah aka Gritty Kitty) who is 9, Blinky (the Red and eldest boy) who is 8 and Rune (the Cream and the youngest) who is 4. They all have their foibles.

Micah: She adores my daughter. Ever since my daughter was born she's been close by her side. She's not a particularly huggy cat but she tends to sit beside you to be petted. She would always sit close to my daughter when she was a baby. Never getting too close, just patiently watching, making sure she was OK. As she got older she'd creep closer and when she was old enough to sleep in her own bed, Micah would sleep on her pillow beside her head. The name Gritty came about when my daughter was first learning how to talk. Instead of being able to say 'Kitty' it came out 'Gitty'. Then the R made it's way in there. Sometimes she gets called Micah but most of the time it's Gritty. Micah also enjoys eating bugs. If she sees a moth on the wall she will attempt her best Olympic High Jump and try and catch it. Though she much prefers the sit and wait method whilst eyeing off my desk lamp. She is a very affectionate cat though is choosy with her affections. She particularly likes my SO. So much so that she abandons me when he comes to visit. I consider her favourite feature to be the speckled tortie patterns across her nose. They look like little brown freckles. I just love taking photos of her. The colours are quite enamouring.

Blinky: When my daughter was 9 months old Blinky was born. He got the name Blinky as he was the first kitten of that litter to open his eyes and blink. Blinky soon became my daughter's favourite. She would dress him up in baby clothes, put him in her little doll beds and tuck him in with a miniature pillow and blanket (complete with teddy bear) and rock him to sleep. She'd also put him in a doll's stroller and push him around the house. Blinky never once complained. I could liken him to the cat Faron in Peanuts. The cat that would get dragged everywhere without really putting up a fight. Blinky has been through a lot. When my daughter was a toddler she found some scissors and chopped off his whiskers (she got a good scolding for that), she painted him with Revlon Colourstay Lipstick (she painted herself too and I used up a good deal of Palmolive Dishwashing Detergent to get it off the both of them), painted him in acrylic poster paints (that I thought I'd put up high enough for her not to reach - never underestimate the ingenuity of a 2yo) and also covered him in papaya ointment (the lesser of these evils). When my daughter's father and I separated I left Blinky behind to be her comfort. I took the other two cats with me. When I got custody of my daughter after a 2 year court battle (which is a story for another day) I got custody of Blinky too. He was rather sick when I got him and it took me a long time before he was fit to fly to me (I lived interstate). There was also an incident when he was about 4yo where he jumped off a 7ft bookcase and suffered a severe concussion. He is the wonky accident prone cat. Well, he was, up until the end of last year but now he's a diet controlled diabetic, wonky, accident prone cat. He's still very much loved by all and my daughter is very thankful to have him with her.

Rune: He was the saddest kitten. He came from a litter of three. He always looked depressed. There was something about him that made me keep him. He is very vocal though. He's like one of those telemarketers trying to sell you something. He just doesn't shut up. He also meows in such an annoying tone it grates on your nerves. This cat knows his name. Mostly from the phrase 'Rune! Shut UP!'. He really loves me though. Always sleeping close to me when he can and harassing me for pettins. He's the autistic younger brother. He thought he could do a Steve McQueen one day and escape the house (he's an indoor cat) and he juped out of the 2nd storey window. Unfortunately the window caught his leg on the way down and it shattered into what looked like a bazillion pieces on the x-ray. I could've spent several thousand dollars to *maybe* fix it or amputate it. Needless to say Rune has 3 legs. He's missing his near side hind. Does it slow him down? Not a bit. He zooms around like he's always done. He has got a lot of muscle up front now though as he uses his front to pull himself around with a pogo stick of a back leg. The cutest/saddest thing about being 3 legs is that the vet left a small amount of femur behind to protect his internal organs. Sometimes, when he's not particularly attentive he still tries to scratch his ear with his missing leg and you see the stump moving like crazy.

I don't know where I'd be without my three cats. Sometimes I think I have one too many but they all have their place in the family.

Hiatus ad infinitum

Well, not really. I didn't think it was that long ago that I posted my last entry. A lot has happened over that timeframe. Suffice to say I can quit bitching about not having a job. I've been gainfully employed as a grocery night filler for the past 7 months (it's really been that long). The strange thing is, I never anticipated in being a night filler. I also never thought I'd actually be good at it.

I can still run around after my daughter during the day. Taking her to swimming and art classes along with riding our horses. Yup, we have horses now. One is a leased horse that's owned by a friend of mine, the other is owned by us. We take turns in riding each of them. I'm so very thankful to have horses in my life still.

I also get to chip away at my TAFE course. I'm almost another two modules down since I last made an entry. I think I have another four modules to go after this one. How time flies.

Life has been pretty good. I'm financially stable, my daughter is happy (for the most part). My relationship with my SO is still going strong and hopefully we'll close the distance in a few months time and make our first steps towards our new life as a family. It's hard to imagine really.

It's not all rainbows and unicorns though. I still have to deal with the sad reality that I'll never be able to have any sense of  normal interaction (even on a business like level) with my daughter's father. He still has to make life difficult for me. Still sends me emails that are hateful, antagonistic and sometimes borderline libelous. I can't change him. I know that. I can only control my own behaviour.

I'm really hoping to get my shit in a pile and start making new notes. At least a little more regularly than 8 months apart. Where'd I go wrong? I'm really not sure but I let it slip away from me. So, here's to new beginnings and more motivation (or something).

My Happiness

Does anyone ever feel like their life is just stagnating? It's going nowhere? That things used to be so great and now they're not? I feel like that right now.

3 years ago I seemed to be on track in life. I was married, had a decent job, a house, a family and aspirations and goals. Fast forward to today and it's like I'm back to square one.  Just under 3 years ago my world came crashing down. My ex husband and I had problems that we were trying to work through. I was feeling so very isolated living where I was and just felt alone. I had no family and few friends (mainly because I'm not an overly social person). I also had problems with depression which I was trying to sort out but wasn't having much luck where I was.

I made the mistake of letting one of my best friends (who recently split with her lesbian partner) move onto the block (I lived rurally with my ex husband) into a caravan. Little did I know what was to come next. They had planned it for months. Behind my back they were conducting an emotional affair (if not physical - something I still can't prove to this day but the suspicion remains). My ex husband and I had just got back from a family holiday and less than 5 weeks later he was kicking me out. I had nowhere to go and couldn't afford to live where I was so my family flew me home. I couldn't even take our daughter with me (he put injunctions in place and threatened to charge me with domestic violence after pulling strings with his cop buddies).

It turns out my ex friend and my ex husband were trying to get rid of me. I found out a lot about their affair and the things they did over two years in and out of court for divorce, custody and property settlement matters. I won't go into the details here but suffice to say that I was put through the wringer, chewed up and spat out. I was also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder during the midst of that and have been medicated since not long after my separation. 

The thing that hurts is that I used to have a full time job (never had any trouble getting one) and decent money/lifestyle but now I'm eking out a meager existence on Disability Support Pension and whatever part time/casual/contract/temp work I can find (which isn't much). 

I've been living with my parents since I returned. I can't afford to rent anywhere on my own with a child (I was lucky to get custody with the help of my parents support with legal fees - I owe them so much and I consider myself very lucky because I didn't win custody, he lost it which is part of the long detailed story). I just feel like a failure. I had it all, house, husband, job and now I have a 1/4 of a house. 3 rooms to which I can semi call my own. One is my daughter's bedroom, one is mine and the other is a spare room where I have my desktop computer and do all of my photo editing.

My sister is living her dream life. She's getting married next year (for the first time - I've been through two husbands so I feel a double failure) and has her dream job and the money that goes with. I'm scrimping and saving trying to get enough together for bond and rent in the vain attempt to move out.

I'm tempted to deactivate my Facebook because it's almost as if everybody else's life is going so well. They have their houses, their jobs, their cars, their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives and I am just a single mother who can't seem to find a job. I'm not unskilled, I'm not incapable I'm just not what anybody wants. I'm improving my qualifications, I'm trying so hard but for what? I feel like I'm wasting my time.

I have a partner. He lives 5000km away. We see each other every few months for a few weeks or so. I do love him very much but I often wonder where this relationship is going to go. He's still studying and isn't in a position to relocate right now and it's a catch 22. I can't realistically get a house without him and he can't move here unless I have a house. It just isn't working. I'm really hoping I can find a job soon. It's just so frustrating and humiliating after being so self sufficient for so long to relying upon the charity of others. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't live with my family for free. Instead of rent I pay for the utilities and also contribute to groceries and other bills that come in. I just feel despondent. I know I can be so much more and I want to be so much more but the universe is saying no. I just feel like it's not fair. That I don't deserve this punishment. I'm trying to make changes. I'm trying to be better. I want to be better, I want to prove to the universe that I deserve some happiness but right now it doesn't seem like it's meant to be.

I don't know what the purpose of this blog is right now but I needed to get this out. Hopefully my day will get better.

Ain't no Sunshine

That's how I feel right now. I've not posted anything in almost a month and I know why. My heart and mind just aren't in it. I have no motivation, no drive and no joy de vivre. I feel like my life is one big vacuum cleaner that is sucking all of the happiness out of me. I just can't get moving.

Well, that's not entirely correct, I move and do things but I don't get the same enjoyment out of it like I usually do. I think it's a combination of things. The weather has changed - lately it's been gloomy, overcast and getting cold (as winter is wont to do) and so many things have been happening to get me down.

A few weeks ago I noticed my car had a slow leak in one of the tyres. I go to get it repaired only to realise that I need two new ones (the leaky tyre was fixed and is now a spare). 

My daughter's father drops a bomb on me. He says he's seriously considering not taking her for visitation and this turns into a shitstorm. My ex and I don't get along AT ALL. He and my ex best friend are now together with their new family  (have an almost 12 month old daughter). I managed to escape the passive aggressive abuse and the sexually transmitted debt but because we have a child I'll never be completely free. This drives me to distraction.

I keep applying for jobs and keep getting rejections. Almost 300 jobs in the space of 3 months and it's still not happening. I'm getting more interviews - both face to face and phone but I feel like I'm lacking something. It's depressing and frustrating and I wish I could do more about it but it seems I'm not alone in this. Friends of mine are in a similar position and they're struggling to find work too. It's somewhat of a comfort (even though a very small one) to know that I'm not alone.

Then my desktop computer hard drive decides to spontaneously combust and take about a month and  half's worth of photos with it. The rest of the stuff on it I don't care about but oh well, such is life I guess. Still makes me angry.

And tomorrow my daughter gets on a plane to travel about 2500km interstate to see her father for the first time since Christmas for court ordered visitation that she doesn't want to go on. 

All of this is just sitting on my shoulders when the depression kicks in. Yup, I have Bipolar Disorder Type II. Every few months I go through a depressive phase and it seems like now is it. I know I have so much to look forward to.

I have a horse that I can go ride to get away from my troubles. I have friends that I can keep in touch with for support and I have my SO visiting in less than a week but I just can't shake this funk.

I have study to do that I just don't want to (I'm forcing  myself to get it done) and so many other things I could be doing to keep myself occupied but this funk is all consuming. I'm trying to get it out of my head. Trying to write things down so I can let it go but for some reason my scumbag brain won't let me. 

This afternoon I'm going to spend some time with the horse I part lease. Try and relax and let it all go. Here's hoping.