Help Me

There's one thing I've noticed about people, I spend a lot of time watching people (prefer to watch rather than interact) and that is that nobody helps anyone anymore. People are so caught up in their own self importance (this is a generalisation - I know not everybody is like this) that they forget to help anyone.

A few weeks ago a met a young woman that I'll call Sally. Sally had just moved into town with her partner from elsewhere within this state (is basically a farm girl) and was looking for work. We chatted when she came up to ask a few questions when she was walking her dog and I was feeding my horses (she's a horsey girl so there was common ground). She asked about work in the town. I was honest. This town can be pretty difficult to get work in if you're new to the area and have no connections. It's pretty brutal. When I was made redundant from my last admin job, it took me 4 1/2 months to find something suitable. I've been gainfully employed for the last 8 months and I'm in no hurry to move on from where I am. The hours suit me and the money is OK.  I'm digressing a bit.

While Sally told me her story I thought to myself, I've been in your shoes. Many years ago when I first moved to a rather remote capital city interstate I knew nobody. Had no friends, no family and was completely isolated from all that was familiar. It sucked being alone. I said to myself (once I got away from there and found my way home again) that if I ever met someone in a similar situation to what I was back then, I'd do my best to help them in any way I could.

I told Sally that I'd add her on Facebook and I'd send her a heap of links to employment websites and would help her with her resume if needs be. Turns out she only has her Automatic Driver's Licence and wants to get her manual licence. Now I don't know this young woman from a bar of soap but I offered to help her with driving. I've a manual car and I'm generally pretty patient (though I have my moments) and I said I'd take her out for a drive before she sat her exam. I also said I'd accompany her to her driving exam and she could use my car for it. I know I'm taking a big risk. I know that she's a complete stranger but there was something in the way she talked and how she spoke that lit a spark within me as something of a kindred spirit. 

I'm going to go out on a limb for someone, not because I feel obliged to, but because I want to help. It's not fun being alone in a place that is foreign to you. If I can help just one person (and she seemed pretty darn depressed when I met her) and make a difference in their life, even if it's only small, it will be worth it.

Hold your Horses

I've not been having a good time lately. My daughter's father and I are once again at a legal impasse. You see, we've been divorced for the best part of 3 years (separated back in 2010) and things have been chaotic ever since. Two years in and out of court for said divorce, custody matters and property settlement. Throw in a forgery and uttering conviction (on his part) and him pursuing a relationship with my ex best friend (they had an affair and well, they're still together) causing complication to the mix I've been a bit frazzled. Sometimes the crazy just gets the best of me and I need to take a bit of time out.

My time out comes in the form of equine therapy. I currently own and lease a horse from a friend. So, by rights, I take care of two equines. They cost me about $40/week each. The blessing is that my daughter can ride both of them and we take turns so she's not left out (she loves horses as much as I do). Equine therapy is sometimes just brushing and spending time with our horses, other days we go for rides and some days we have lessons. Today was just riding with a little bit of jumping thrown in.

My daughter sometimes doubts her abilities to ride. I've been encouraging her as best I can. Today though, the smaller of our two horses got the better of her. She didn't think that he could jump. So we swapped. I let her ride the big fellow Beau (she's just as safe on him as the smaller boy) and I rode Oscar, the small one. Oscar and Beau are both ex racehorses. Though they may have raced, they have taken so very well to no longer being a racehorse. Beau is 8 (the same age as my daughter) and is about 16.3hh (about 169cm at the shoulder). Oscar is 16 and is about 15.1hh (about 154cm at the shoulder). Both have their strengths and weaknesses. Beau is uncoordinated with jumping as he's never really done much of it and Oscar is a bit harder to get moving. Beau has better brakes and Oscar needs a little more 'runway' to pull up. They both test my daughter in different ways.

When we swapped horses she found that she could still ride Beau well that he was more forward yet he wasn't as coordinated over jumps. When I started riding Oscar, I could prove to my daughter that he would indeed jump (at least 60cm). She eventually got Beau to do as she wanted and discovered she could indeed do it. She has a lot of self doubt.

Of all the things I could waste my money on, I see horses as a good investment for my daughter. She gets the time spend with them. Feeding, brushing and caring for them and she gets the thrill of learning new thins when she's riding. Horses are one of the few things that keep my daughter focused most of the time (she's a bit scatterbrained but she is also 8 so I give her leeway). I know it's a lot of money but I don't go out much, I don't drink and I don't party like it's 1999!

In all honesty, I think horses are good for the soul. They kept me sane throughout all of the tumultuous times dealing with the courts. They have been a part of my life ever since I can remember. I hope to have them as part of my life for many years to come.

So Tired of Waking up Tired....

This song comes to mind. I remember going to a Hoodoo Gurus concert quite some time ago and hearing them perform this song live. There have been many days where I've felt that my life kinda revolves around this song. This week in particular has been somewhat difficult. I know I'm not getting enough sleep. Partially due to insomnia and also partially due to my parent's dog.

I am unfortunately or fortunately (at least I have a roof over my head), as a thirtysomething am living with family again along with my 8yo daughter. The joys of living with family (read that as parents and an autistic brother) is that you have no privacy. My father, bless his cotton socks, likes to talk. A LOT! He'll pop his head into my 1/4 of the house and babble on forever if I let him.

Anyway, I'm digressing (as it's now almost 3 am and I'm yet to get any shuteye). My father bought a new dog (to keep the other dog company and help guard the fort) back in October. A rather small bundle of Australian Cattle Dog by the name of Lucky. Alas, rather small bundles tend to grow into rather large bundles. This bundle is now bigger than the other dog, still growing like a weed and has a habit of barking at things. Mostly between the hours of 2 and 4 am. The hours when I'm trying to get some sleep.

This dog has been barking at the curlews running relay races down the street, has been barking at the flying foxes having tantrums over the nectar in the trees in bloom next door and has also undoubtedly been barking at her own shadow. I swear she does. I'm sure in her puppy brain she goes "OMG! It's a shadow! Must BARK!". I yell at her, whistle and curse under my breath but she's pretty persistent with the barking. I call this her 'Moon Moon' phase hopefully she'll grow out of it (she probably barks at the moon too). Anybody who is as much of an internet junkie as I am will know of the unfortunate meme wolf Moon Moon. (for those that don't there's a clicky link provided to explain this meme)

While Lucky is venting her spleen at bogeymen and shadows I am getting very little, or at best, interrupted sleep. Therefore I'm not rested and I get really cranky (I'm irritable at the best of times but without sleep I akin myself to that of a hibernating bear that's been rudely awakened). I also work night fill which means I don't get home until after midnight and it takes me a few hours to wind down. As soon as I drift away into the sweet embrace of slumber I start dreaming of barking only to realise I'm not dreaming anymore and have been rudely awakened.

At least I'm not working later today and I can have a bit of a kinder kip throughout the day. Hopefully without the barking.

The Dog Days of Summer

Just checked my clock. It's now officially the 2nd day of Autumn. Autumn you say? It should be getting cooler you say? Nope. Not here.

I asked my daughter today if she wanted to go for a horse ride. We haven't been riding much lately due to the rain and everything being a muddy mess where we keep our horses (we still go and feed them every day though - they're paddock monsters). She looked me in the eyes and said "No Mum, it's too hot." That's right, too hot. It seems that Summer hasn't got the memo that it's Autumn. 

Instead of going riding, I offered to take her to the local water park for a swim. I've never seen her eyes widen so quickly before. "Really?" she says "Can we?" We packed a bag with towels and sunscreen and headed out the door. On my way to the car I could hear the repetitious hum of cicadas chirping in the trees. Seems even they didn't get the memo that it's now Autumn. 

This in turn led to conversations about cicadas and their life cycle. How they start off as larva and stay in the ground for several years until they crawl out, shed out of their skin and become the noisy insects that we hear in the trees. 

As we were driving to the pool, we talked a little about the seasons and how the days get longer and shorter, how the weather changes and how sometimes, given how close we are to the equator, things don't change very much at all. 

I must admit it was nice to go for a swim. Cooling off in the water and having a bit of fun splashing each other and being silly. I guess that's the upside to the hotter days. Cooling off in a pool. Though I would be much happier if Autumn got here sooner rather than later. I miss the cool.

She Gives Me Fever

One of the many joys (/sarcasm) of being a parent is teaching kids to share. Sharing their toys, sharing their food etc but one thing I don't like them sharing are their illnesses. I've been doing pretty well on the sinus front for the last six months or so. I was probably getting a little complacent about it though. Last week my daughter starts with the sniffles. I get her OTC medicine to help treat the symptoms and think nothing much of it. I take her to the GP earlier this week as she's complaining of a sore throat still. This kid has a history of tonsillitis and came very close to getting them out a few years back. Turns out she's fine and there's next to no inflammation (always a blessing).

However, the day before I take her to the Dr, I notice the niggling feeling of a cold. Just feeling blah with a nose dripping like a leaky tap. On Tuesday night I go to the local pharmacy and ask for some Sinus tablets. I opt for the pharmacy brand because it's cheaper and generally works the same. I pop a few pills and soldier through the night shift at work. Yesterday I feel a little more lethargic, grumpy and generally unwell yet I manage to get through an extended shift without killing anybody. Always a bonus.

Today however I wake up in a pool of sweat. I down some Neurofen and go do my volunteer shift with my local thrift store. It's nice and airconditioned (unlike my home) and I seem to be fine. Then I step outside after my shift and it's like an elephant just sat on my face. You see, the last few days have been the typical monsoonal rainy deluges that we get in this lovely tropical climate. When it's raining the temperatures are actually quite tolerable but when it stops, especially in summer, it becomes so unbearably hot and humid it's like you have to force yourself to breathe.

Now, normally this wouldn't be too much of a challenge but add in the blocked sinus cavities to this hot, humid and horrible weather and it becomes significantly more difficult to breathe. One thing I'm glad about is that I don't have to work to night, or tomorrow night so I can rest up and try and and obtain more of a sense of wellness than I do right now. All I can say is that my supply of medication is doing me well (for now). My fever has somewhat abated and I'm a little more comfortable. I just wish my daughter didn't feel like sharing her bugs with me. Bleah.

Cat's Eyes

They're staring at me. A pair of cat's eyes. They belong to my Chocolate Tortoiseshell Burmese kitty. She's currently sitting in her little kitty condo on my computer desk waiting for bugs to land on my desk lamp so she can eat them. Cats are strange like that. Burmese moreso than most I think. I have three Burmese cats. Mother and two sons from different litters. Back when I used to breed and show European Burmese. The two boys (a Red and a Cream) are 4 years apart. So we have mum (Micah aka Gritty Kitty) who is 9, Blinky (the Red and eldest boy) who is 8 and Rune (the Cream and the youngest) who is 4. They all have their foibles.

Micah: She adores my daughter. Ever since my daughter was born she's been close by her side. She's not a particularly huggy cat but she tends to sit beside you to be petted. She would always sit close to my daughter when she was a baby. Never getting too close, just patiently watching, making sure she was OK. As she got older she'd creep closer and when she was old enough to sleep in her own bed, Micah would sleep on her pillow beside her head. The name Gritty came about when my daughter was first learning how to talk. Instead of being able to say 'Kitty' it came out 'Gitty'. Then the R made it's way in there. Sometimes she gets called Micah but most of the time it's Gritty. Micah also enjoys eating bugs. If she sees a moth on the wall she will attempt her best Olympic High Jump and try and catch it. Though she much prefers the sit and wait method whilst eyeing off my desk lamp. She is a very affectionate cat though is choosy with her affections. She particularly likes my SO. So much so that she abandons me when he comes to visit. I consider her favourite feature to be the speckled tortie patterns across her nose. They look like little brown freckles. I just love taking photos of her. The colours are quite enamouring.

Blinky: When my daughter was 9 months old Blinky was born. He got the name Blinky as he was the first kitten of that litter to open his eyes and blink. Blinky soon became my daughter's favourite. She would dress him up in baby clothes, put him in her little doll beds and tuck him in with a miniature pillow and blanket (complete with teddy bear) and rock him to sleep. She'd also put him in a doll's stroller and push him around the house. Blinky never once complained. I could liken him to the cat Faron in Peanuts. The cat that would get dragged everywhere without really putting up a fight. Blinky has been through a lot. When my daughter was a toddler she found some scissors and chopped off his whiskers (she got a good scolding for that), she painted him with Revlon Colourstay Lipstick (she painted herself too and I used up a good deal of Palmolive Dishwashing Detergent to get it off the both of them), painted him in acrylic poster paints (that I thought I'd put up high enough for her not to reach - never underestimate the ingenuity of a 2yo) and also covered him in papaya ointment (the lesser of these evils). When my daughter's father and I separated I left Blinky behind to be her comfort. I took the other two cats with me. When I got custody of my daughter after a 2 year court battle (which is a story for another day) I got custody of Blinky too. He was rather sick when I got him and it took me a long time before he was fit to fly to me (I lived interstate). There was also an incident when he was about 4yo where he jumped off a 7ft bookcase and suffered a severe concussion. He is the wonky accident prone cat. Well, he was, up until the end of last year but now he's a diet controlled diabetic, wonky, accident prone cat. He's still very much loved by all and my daughter is very thankful to have him with her.

Rune: He was the saddest kitten. He came from a litter of three. He always looked depressed. There was something about him that made me keep him. He is very vocal though. He's like one of those telemarketers trying to sell you something. He just doesn't shut up. He also meows in such an annoying tone it grates on your nerves. This cat knows his name. Mostly from the phrase 'Rune! Shut UP!'. He really loves me though. Always sleeping close to me when he can and harassing me for pettins. He's the autistic younger brother. He thought he could do a Steve McQueen one day and escape the house (he's an indoor cat) and he juped out of the 2nd storey window. Unfortunately the window caught his leg on the way down and it shattered into what looked like a bazillion pieces on the x-ray. I could've spent several thousand dollars to *maybe* fix it or amputate it. Needless to say Rune has 3 legs. He's missing his near side hind. Does it slow him down? Not a bit. He zooms around like he's always done. He has got a lot of muscle up front now though as he uses his front to pull himself around with a pogo stick of a back leg. The cutest/saddest thing about being 3 legs is that the vet left a small amount of femur behind to protect his internal organs. Sometimes, when he's not particularly attentive he still tries to scratch his ear with his missing leg and you see the stump moving like crazy.

I don't know where I'd be without my three cats. Sometimes I think I have one too many but they all have their place in the family.

Hiatus ad infinitum

Well, not really. I didn't think it was that long ago that I posted my last entry. A lot has happened over that timeframe. Suffice to say I can quit bitching about not having a job. I've been gainfully employed as a grocery night filler for the past 7 months (it's really been that long). The strange thing is, I never anticipated in being a night filler. I also never thought I'd actually be good at it.

I can still run around after my daughter during the day. Taking her to swimming and art classes along with riding our horses. Yup, we have horses now. One is a leased horse that's owned by a friend of mine, the other is owned by us. We take turns in riding each of them. I'm so very thankful to have horses in my life still.

I also get to chip away at my TAFE course. I'm almost another two modules down since I last made an entry. I think I have another four modules to go after this one. How time flies.

Life has been pretty good. I'm financially stable, my daughter is happy (for the most part). My relationship with my SO is still going strong and hopefully we'll close the distance in a few months time and make our first steps towards our new life as a family. It's hard to imagine really.

It's not all rainbows and unicorns though. I still have to deal with the sad reality that I'll never be able to have any sense of  normal interaction (even on a business like level) with my daughter's father. He still has to make life difficult for me. Still sends me emails that are hateful, antagonistic and sometimes borderline libelous. I can't change him. I know that. I can only control my own behaviour.

I'm really hoping to get my shit in a pile and start making new notes. At least a little more regularly than 8 months apart. Where'd I go wrong? I'm really not sure but I let it slip away from me. So, here's to new beginnings and more motivation (or something).

My Happiness

Does anyone ever feel like their life is just stagnating? It's going nowhere? That things used to be so great and now they're not? I feel like that right now.

3 years ago I seemed to be on track in life. I was married, had a decent job, a house, a family and aspirations and goals. Fast forward to today and it's like I'm back to square one.  Just under 3 years ago my world came crashing down. My ex husband and I had problems that we were trying to work through. I was feeling so very isolated living where I was and just felt alone. I had no family and few friends (mainly because I'm not an overly social person). I also had problems with depression which I was trying to sort out but wasn't having much luck where I was.

I made the mistake of letting one of my best friends (who recently split with her lesbian partner) move onto the block (I lived rurally with my ex husband) into a caravan. Little did I know what was to come next. They had planned it for months. Behind my back they were conducting an emotional affair (if not physical - something I still can't prove to this day but the suspicion remains). My ex husband and I had just got back from a family holiday and less than 5 weeks later he was kicking me out. I had nowhere to go and couldn't afford to live where I was so my family flew me home. I couldn't even take our daughter with me (he put injunctions in place and threatened to charge me with domestic violence after pulling strings with his cop buddies).

It turns out my ex friend and my ex husband were trying to get rid of me. I found out a lot about their affair and the things they did over two years in and out of court for divorce, custody and property settlement matters. I won't go into the details here but suffice to say that I was put through the wringer, chewed up and spat out. I was also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder during the midst of that and have been medicated since not long after my separation. 

The thing that hurts is that I used to have a full time job (never had any trouble getting one) and decent money/lifestyle but now I'm eking out a meager existence on Disability Support Pension and whatever part time/casual/contract/temp work I can find (which isn't much). 

I've been living with my parents since I returned. I can't afford to rent anywhere on my own with a child (I was lucky to get custody with the help of my parents support with legal fees - I owe them so much and I consider myself very lucky because I didn't win custody, he lost it which is part of the long detailed story). I just feel like a failure. I had it all, house, husband, job and now I have a 1/4 of a house. 3 rooms to which I can semi call my own. One is my daughter's bedroom, one is mine and the other is a spare room where I have my desktop computer and do all of my photo editing.

My sister is living her dream life. She's getting married next year (for the first time - I've been through two husbands so I feel a double failure) and has her dream job and the money that goes with. I'm scrimping and saving trying to get enough together for bond and rent in the vain attempt to move out.

I'm tempted to deactivate my Facebook because it's almost as if everybody else's life is going so well. They have their houses, their jobs, their cars, their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives and I am just a single mother who can't seem to find a job. I'm not unskilled, I'm not incapable I'm just not what anybody wants. I'm improving my qualifications, I'm trying so hard but for what? I feel like I'm wasting my time.

I have a partner. He lives 5000km away. We see each other every few months for a few weeks or so. I do love him very much but I often wonder where this relationship is going to go. He's still studying and isn't in a position to relocate right now and it's a catch 22. I can't realistically get a house without him and he can't move here unless I have a house. It just isn't working. I'm really hoping I can find a job soon. It's just so frustrating and humiliating after being so self sufficient for so long to relying upon the charity of others. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't live with my family for free. Instead of rent I pay for the utilities and also contribute to groceries and other bills that come in. I just feel despondent. I know I can be so much more and I want to be so much more but the universe is saying no. I just feel like it's not fair. That I don't deserve this punishment. I'm trying to make changes. I'm trying to be better. I want to be better, I want to prove to the universe that I deserve some happiness but right now it doesn't seem like it's meant to be.

I don't know what the purpose of this blog is right now but I needed to get this out. Hopefully my day will get better.

Ain't no Sunshine

That's how I feel right now. I've not posted anything in almost a month and I know why. My heart and mind just aren't in it. I have no motivation, no drive and no joy de vivre. I feel like my life is one big vacuum cleaner that is sucking all of the happiness out of me. I just can't get moving.

Well, that's not entirely correct, I move and do things but I don't get the same enjoyment out of it like I usually do. I think it's a combination of things. The weather has changed - lately it's been gloomy, overcast and getting cold (as winter is wont to do) and so many things have been happening to get me down.

A few weeks ago I noticed my car had a slow leak in one of the tyres. I go to get it repaired only to realise that I need two new ones (the leaky tyre was fixed and is now a spare). 

My daughter's father drops a bomb on me. He says he's seriously considering not taking her for visitation and this turns into a shitstorm. My ex and I don't get along AT ALL. He and my ex best friend are now together with their new family  (have an almost 12 month old daughter). I managed to escape the passive aggressive abuse and the sexually transmitted debt but because we have a child I'll never be completely free. This drives me to distraction.

I keep applying for jobs and keep getting rejections. Almost 300 jobs in the space of 3 months and it's still not happening. I'm getting more interviews - both face to face and phone but I feel like I'm lacking something. It's depressing and frustrating and I wish I could do more about it but it seems I'm not alone in this. Friends of mine are in a similar position and they're struggling to find work too. It's somewhat of a comfort (even though a very small one) to know that I'm not alone.

Then my desktop computer hard drive decides to spontaneously combust and take about a month and  half's worth of photos with it. The rest of the stuff on it I don't care about but oh well, such is life I guess. Still makes me angry.

And tomorrow my daughter gets on a plane to travel about 2500km interstate to see her father for the first time since Christmas for court ordered visitation that she doesn't want to go on. 

All of this is just sitting on my shoulders when the depression kicks in. Yup, I have Bipolar Disorder Type II. Every few months I go through a depressive phase and it seems like now is it. I know I have so much to look forward to.

I have a horse that I can go ride to get away from my troubles. I have friends that I can keep in touch with for support and I have my SO visiting in less than a week but I just can't shake this funk.

I have study to do that I just don't want to (I'm forcing  myself to get it done) and so many other things I could be doing to keep myself occupied but this funk is all consuming. I'm trying to get it out of my head. Trying to write things down so I can let it go but for some reason my scumbag brain won't let me. 

This afternoon I'm going to spend some time with the horse I part lease. Try and relax and let it all go. Here's hoping.

You Drive Me Crazy!

This week has been kinda busy. My previous employer has asked me to come back for some casual work over the next few weeks. It kinda puts a dent in the monotony of scouring the employment webpages in the ever increasingly vain hope that I'll find a job I can actually get! 

Seeing as I'm doing a bit more driving to and from places along with chauffeuring said child from pillar to post I've noticed some increasingly bizarre driving behaviour. A few weeks ago it'd be practically unheard of to almost run into (bad pun) other drivers driving like demented squash balls careering around a court with the sole purpose of smacking you in the head and rendering you unconscious (I'm only assuming a squash ball can do this, I've never actually played squash but I've watched others partake in the sport). I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out what it is that's causing this unusual shift in driving behaviours and then it dawned on me. The weather has changed.

In the last couple of weeks the weather has gone from bright, hot, humid sultriness to overcast drizzly semi winter dreariness. People must be getting SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and getting really grumpy. This week alone I've nearly had several accidents. Yesterday I was driving through a set of traffic lights, in the right hand lane of an outbound dual lane that has the left hand lane merge into the right (oncoming traffic to the right of me as per our backward drive on the left Aussie normality). There was nothing beside me until this woman in a mad rush in her white SUV comes charging through the inside lane almost driving me up onto the median strip. Thankfully my brakes work along with my horn to which she thrusts her right arm out the window flipping me the bird only to turn left into the high school car park not 100m from the merging lane.

This left me quite confumbled. What on earth possesses a person to do that? It just doesn't make sense. Are we as a society in that much of a hurry that we must thrust ourselves in front of people just to gain those extra split seconds of time? It really must be a thing because that afternoon, as I was driving home from work I had a provisional driver ride the ass end of my car like a raging haemmorhoid (for those that are wondering her car was red too). While it annoys me that people cut me off, it really grinds my gears to have someone tailgating. I tapped my brakes in the vain hope to get her off my ass but she'd fall back momentarily only to ride it again. This occurred for a good few minutes as I had the misfourtune of her following me almost all the way home. Maybe I'm not an aggressive enough driver? Maybe I just don't have that desperate urgency to be somewhere yesterday! Maybe I'm turning into a grumpy old woman (if you can call a thirtysomething old - I know I've got the grumpy down pat)?

Oh well, at least it's Friday and I have a weekend to myself for the most part. Maybe I should limit my driving to that of a keyboard instead of a car.

Edit

As a small mercy at least I got my smartphone back yesterday after having to go back to my old phone for over a week. Turns out my smartphone was a dirty whore and filthy on the inside which had shorted out the antenna (from what the technician at my service provider could tell me). At least that's something.

Bless You!

No, really. My SO (significant other) has uttered these words several times to me tonight. Why? Well, I believe I have OCS (Obsessive Compulsive Sneezing). You see, I can't sneeze just once. Oh no, I have to sneeze in multiples of at least three, sometimes four or five and if I'm feeling particularly sneezy (Maybe I was one of the Snow White's Seven Dwarves in a previous incarnation) it'll be six or more in a row. 

The one thing I know for sure is that it isn't allergies. I'm not really allergic to all that much and I've been well and truly tested to make sure but I do have chemical sensitivities. Perfumes, cleaning products, deodorants can all send me off into machine gun like bursts of sneezing but generally those are accompanied by the tingling between the ears that signifies a migraine as well as the itchy/watery eyes that go with. I also apparently have chronic non-allergic rhinitis which probably explains most of the chemical sensitivities - and my complete abhorrence for carpet.

I just finished a random burst of about six sneezes in a row and boy did they hurt. I don't know why they hurt but the more times I sneeze in a row the more it seems to hurt. Apparently, according to my interweb searches, which if I put too much stock in I'd be terminally ill with a myriad of diseases these random sneezing events can be brought on by changes in the weather (well, it is cooler than normal), stress (well, I am in a bit of stress - see previous blog post for that) and hormones (being female this kinda makes sense to a degree) to name a few. 

So now, when I sneeze I'm questioning myself whether it is any of those above things or maybe there's something else involved? I really don't know. I'm honestly not sure I want to know but the only thing I know for sure is that my body likes to sneeze a lot. At least I don't seem to have those horridly loud sonic boom sneezes that manage to frighten small children and sleeping cats though maybe I am allergic to something I'm not aware of. Now my nose is itching just thinking about it. Where did I put that Phenergan?

Why won't it work?

Just over a month ago I lost my part time job. It was a good job and I enjoyed working there. My hours were good (at least to begin with) and I felt like I'd finally found somewhere that I belonged. Then I was given some sad news. My position was becoming redundant and that was that. One of the pitfalls of working for a mostly government funded not-for-profit is that funding is fickle and so is work. The state and federal government had cut funding significantly for my employer but they were to continue providing the same service with a smaller bucket of cash. When the bucket gets smaller, the non essential items get tossed out into the wild to fend for themselves. So, now I'm fending.

Even though I'm out of a job I have enough cash coming in through other avenues (part pension and government support as I'm a single parent) to be able to afford to put a  roof over my head, food in the fridge and the bills paid (I'm a pretty frugal person truth be told). Though life is much more comfortable when you have a steady income (that pays a hell of a lot better than pensions et al). So, in order to get at least some disposable income I have to look for a new job. I'm currently studying part time (externally) so ideally a casual or part-time job would be best though a full time job would be good too (I  honestly wouldn't say no). So, I tend to my resume to make sure it's current and start applying to anything that I could even possibly remotely be qualified enough to do.

Lately my average is about 10 - 15 job applications a week. Sure, it might not seem like much but where I live the market is small and the applicants are many so to be able to apply for that many per week is somewhat amazing in itself (I'm in a small town of around 200K people so of course it's going to be a lot smaller than say a town of about 500K+ people). I'm getting interviews for about 20% of the applications I put out though I'm getting feedback from plenty that they've just got too many applications to go through (at least 200 for one position at times) and I just don't make the cut. Age probably has a lot to do with it - I'm a thirtysomething semi skilled worker so cost a lot more to hire than say a twentysomething. Sure I'm in Australia where discrimination based on age or gender for the most part is frowned upon but it still happens. It's part of life.

Then there's the low end retail jobs like working for the local supermarket chains. They keep advertising jobs and I keep getting rejected. I have a running joke that one of the major supermarkets in this town are trying to break their own record with emailing me rejection letters. The fastest so far is about a 36 hour turnaround. I mention this to friends and I keep getting told that it's probably because I'm overqualified for them. Just because I'm overqualified for something doesn't mean I'm not going to give the job my best effort. It's a mindset that I'm still unable to wrap my own head around. I probably never will.

About a week ago I get contacted by my previous employer. The asked me if I was interested in a few week's work while they move offices. I figure why the hell not. Something is better than nothing right? So I'm now temporarily employed until the bucket of cash runs dry again. 

I guess I still find it bizarre. Before my marriage blew up like the fat guy on Monty Python's Meaning of Life and I had to relocate back to my hometown I had no trouble finding jobs. Granted it was an employee's market. I think the longest I was out of work was a week and a half whereas now I've been applying steadily for over 2 months (I started looking before my position officially ended) and it's proving difficult. I've heard through the grapevine that some people are jobseeking for over 12 months and still have nothing. 

Case in point where I was casually chatting to one of the other mothers at the pool where my daughter does weekly swimming lessons. A friend of hers has been deemed 'unemployable' by the unemployment office because she's been looking for almost 2 years and still has nothing (even with furthering her education). I'm not going to let this get to me though. It's still only early days yet and I'm sure there'll be more jobs in the future. I've considered going back to my employer before my last and doing some volunteer time again, just to keep me in the work loop (so to speak). 

I guess I should quit bitching here and go look for work. I haven't checked the websites for a good 24 hours now so there's bound to be something new that I can throw my resume at.

The power of irritability.

What is it with irritability? It sneaks up on you like a ninja then stabs you in the back with a rusty spoon and then tries to dig out your heart through the back of your ribs while it's still beating. Irritability is one of those emotional states that's partway between anger and hatred. You don't really know why you're angry and why you feel like you hate everything but you just do. In comparison, depression (for me at least) is just so much easier. It's essentially sadness wherefore your brain thinks about dying kittens and sick puppies for no apparent reason but it's a quantifiable thing. Something that you can, to at least some degree understand. Lost my job and depressed? Yup, that's normal! Wondering where the money is going to come from to buy those new tyres for the car that you so desperately need and feeling overwhelmed by the lack of finances? Yup, depression pretty normal here too.

Irritability is one of those things that just builds. Kid being obstreperous? +1 to irritability. No hot water in the shower? + 3 irritability. Annoying unwanted text messages when you're trying to send an important message to someone else? + 3 irritability! Then it gets to the stage where it's almost 'Pumkin O'Clock' and you're so wound up and cranky on the inside that sleep feels like a physical impossibility so you add another +5 to that irritability again and you're sitting at a 10/10 irritability scale wondering how the fuck you got there.

The latest thing to add onto my irritability scale is the damn cat drinking water out of the fish tank. I'm yet to understand what the fascination is for this particular cat to have the irrepressible desire to drink fish tank water. Some say it's because it's fish flavoured, others say it's because the water is de-chlorinated or somesuch I really don't know. This cat though, he knows I don't want him drinking the water. He does it to spite me I think though as soon as I make a move to chastise him he runs away and hides under the bed. Sneaky cat.

Anyway, I'm digressing. I have this uncomfortable tightness at the back of my head and a knot in my throat. I feel like there's a little old washerwoman inside of me trying to wring all of the angry out of my internal organs but instead of getting them to the point of spin drying they're just soaking up more angst and irritability like a dehydrated sponge. Thankfully this feeling doesn't happen all that often. I'm kinda glad for that. It really tries my patience. Though, when it does happen I inevitably go into withdrawal mode. I tend to have a shorter fuse when my irritability is high. Probably a good thing I keep away from people when I feel like this. I have a complete intolerance to almost everything when I feel this way. Hopefully today will be a better day. I should probably go to bed before I turn into said pumpkin.

My Telephone?

The last couple of days have shone an interesting light as to how much I take my ability to communicate for granted. I'm one of these technological junkies that loves to be connected to the EVERYTHING! I'm a smart phone owner, it's like an electronic extension of me. Now, if you take my connection to the everything away from me it's like trying to cure a drug addict overnight. I'm seriously addicted to technology. Even to the point of it making me twitch.

Case in point, yesterday my Droid RAZR decided to spontaneously reboot as I connected it to a charger. It wasn't evident how serious this was until I tried to send a text message a few minutes after said reboot. Turns out my phone's antenna, you know, that wonderful piece of kit inside the phone that connects you to the mobile phone network, had decided that it wanted to take an infinite sleep and no longer function. Several power downs later and a hard reset and it was still as dead as Macaulay Culkin's acting career. I did try and convince myself that there was a network outage and it'd be back soon but alas no dice.

I immediately started to panic. I was enroute to a horse show about an hour and a half's drive from home when It really did hit me. I'd be in complete communication blackout. My friend who was accompanying me on said trip had her phone with her. A dumb phone. It sends text messages and makes calls. Unlike my fancy phone that has the Swype funciton to send texts, with hers you have to manually press each button repeatedly until you get the letter you needed. No predictive text, no Swype, just repetitive thumb action that my thumb hasn't seen since the first generation 'smart phones' some 10+ years ago.

When I arrived on location of said horse show and had taken care of the horses as well as setting up camp for the night, my friend was very gracious and allowed me to make a few calls. One to a rather distressed boyfriend who thought I'd died (we're in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR)) because I hadn't said anything to him for several hours and one quick call to my parents who were taking care of my daughter while I was away overnight. Then there was the panic that I needed to keep in touch with my daughter's father (we're on texting and emailing terms ONLY) because it was his designated chat day on the Saturday.

I will say I almost caved. I almost bought myself a burner phone just so I could keep in touch with my SO  (significant other) and have a backup plan. Then I saw the cost and weighed up the pros and cons and convinced myself that I could indeed do without for 24 hours or so before I am able to take the phone into the provider and get it seen to. I was resolute that I wasn't going to cave to that kind of pressure though I will say I did stay up rather late last night trying to get that fucker to work.

This morning, after an abysmal dressage test on my friend's horse (that I ride) I decided to try one last thing. I copied all of the data across to my netbook and then decided to do the dreaded factory reset. I held my tongue in a special way and took bated breaths but no, even after that it was evident that I had a weapon of mass deception. My phone was still relatively useless (and hardly a weapon).

After the show and the drive home I went rummaging to look up my insurance plan. I looked through the plan to find out it didn't cover electronic malfunction. I was about to go into a full on panic because this sounded very much like an electronic malfunction but I took a deep breath and read through my phone's contract to see that my warranty is for 24 months. Very relieved as this phone is barely over 12 months old. So, tomorrow I will be heading back into my provider hoping that I'll be able to send it away to get fixed and obtain a loan phone in the meantime.

I must say I did indeed survive the 24+ hours without my phone. I've learned to be thankful to actually have technology and have a new respect for the old phones that aren't particularly smart but still do their job. My SO is still alive. He was relieved to hear from me when I connected via a Skype call some hours ago. My daughter's father dealt with the fact that my phone has been 'bricked' without too much of an upset and more importantly the world still turns. Though, truth be told I still feel a profound sense of loss. Maybe a beer will help with that!

Let the Rain Fall.

Well, today it's cold, wet and miserable. Ok, fine, it's not that cold. It's barely 20C but I feel it. Especially since our daytime temps are in the low to mid 30s even heading towards winter. There are things I wanted to do today but alas the rain has put paid to it. I'm currently watching my cats curled up at the foot of the bed. All three of them this time. I don't really want to get out of bed either. It's warm and snuggly and perfect for reading books or watching bad TV on my laptop. Alas I have things I need to do today. 

It's that time again. Time to get my eyes checked. I consider myself lucky that as a thirtysomething my eyes are still good enough not to require corrective lenses. Last time I had them checked I still had better than 20:20 in both eyes. Most of my friends wear glasses now though. I feel like the odd one out. The one who has gotten away with it for so long. I know it won't be forever so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. 

Aside from that and taking my daughter to her swimming lesson later this afternoon (good thing it's a heated pool or I'd hear the whines from miles away about it being cold) and the looming optometrist appointment I've been doing a lot of procrastinating. I'm trying to find a new job. Anything will do and I'm sending my resume out to anything that I think I'd have even only a remote chance of getting. I really liked my last job but alas with Government funding cuts (they're a not-for-profit entity) they couldn't afford to keep me on the books as a part timer. Though they have found enough funding to employ me for two weeks in the near future to help them move offices. I'm a firm believer that any work is better than no work.

The employment situation in my town is pretty grim. Recent feedback from jobs I've managed to interview for tell me that at least 100+ people are applying for one position. Out of the hundreds that are applying, employers are interviewing maybe 5 - 10 people and then picking the best out of that. I've been lucky to get interviews I guess. I'm also trying to improve my education to get a better job. I submitted my final assessment for the most recent module and contacted my education provider to enquire as to why I hadn't received the next module (I study externally because I enjoy the self paced style). Turns out the computer system glitched and my next one was mailed out yesterday so in the meantime I play the hurry up and wait game.

Even without work I am able to get by on what I have. I receive a small pension due to my disability which is enough to help keep me afloat until I find something. Coming to terms with the fact that I can't work to the same degree as what I did before my diagnosis (not that I was working well during that either) has been difficult. I should probably stop thinking about this as it will get me further down that rabbit hole where I don't wish to be.

I just wish I could be more like my cats. All of their whims taken care of with nary a worry in the world. If only.

In the beginning?

Well, isn't that just dandy. For months now I've been contemplating whether I should write the mad musings of what is encapsulated within this skull of mine. I'm not much of a writer, not much of a thinker either but I am very much a daydreamer. 

Right now I'm curled up in bed with my laptop where laptops usually are, on laps! It's keeping my legs warm as the whether turns to the colder months here in the land Down Under. I'm watching two of my cats curled up at my feet. Mother and Son. Mother is cleaning her Son. It kinda reminds me of when I was a kid and my mother would spit onto a handkerchief to rub off dirt, half eaten food or any stray mark on my face. Usually at the most embarrassing moment. I look at these cats, nary a care in the world with Son No. 1 (I have Son No.2 from a later litter hiding somewhere in the house) fast asleep with Mother curled up beside him. Embarrassment isn't something they really have much to do with.

Mother cat is now staring at me, the way cats do sometimes. I'm not sure if it's one of those condescending cat stares or the blank look that often accompanies cats before they pass out and dream the dreams they dream. Maybe that's something I should do? Get some sleep? I can hear the fan above on slow speed making that soothing clunky sound. Feel the cool breeze flow over my shoulders from the windows behind me. I guess this isn't much of a beginning though I hope that it isn't the end. I don't expect any epiphanies to escape these fingers but you never know, something wonderful might eventuate.  So, here's to the beginning. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?